The potential for remakes notwithstanding I do think it’s finally time for this series to tackle what is currently the only remaining FE setting where (most of) the playable cast has more to them than a name and a portrait and a few lines of recruitment dialogue. (Archanea’s hookup space is like 80% awkward face pics or headless torsos with all the profile categories labeled as “Fun” or “NSA” or left blank.) In a way it’s fitting that I wrap up the series to date here since I started with Awakening; FE4, after all, is the original heteronormative breeding game, and Jugdral in general could do with a serious injection of gay. Based on Shadows of Valentia the remakes will probably take care of that in a big way on their own – but I’m impatient, what can I say.

This post will be covering the men of Genealogy’s 1st generation, with the two later parts to cover respectively the 2nd generation and FE5 and to be published whenever I get to them. Characters who appear in more than one of those categories will only get one entry in the post that covers their first appearance…no matter how Finn’s prospects may get progessively suckier over time.

Well-meaning though incredibly dense, he was the quintessential frat boy jock in school – public heterosexuality and all. He may have shocked his friends and family with an unconventional choice of wife, but that’s just about the most adventurous he’s ever been where anyone could see. His profile is minimalistic and obsessed with discretion but also strangely conservative, and after texting him for five minutes you get the impression that he probably skipped filling out most of the categories not out of laziness but because he doesn’t understand what they mean. Sex is furtive, awkward, and mostly handjobs through clothing – and that’s if there doesn’t happen to be an infant sleeping a few rooms over, hope you don’t mind a little homewrecking – and when it comes to describing his past experience he can only mumble about fooling around a little with some of his college buddies. He never kisses you and is hesitant to even touch you even when he seems like he’s finally getting into it. After your first meeting you instantly block him because it’s just entirely too strange and way too unsatisfying to be worth it. The whole encounter there was a nagging feeling that something terrible is going to happen to this guy, and you don’t want to be anywhere nearby when it all blows up.

Utterly in love with life, be it booze, sex, or his vaguely hipster-esque fashion sense that leans on a combination of intentional sloppiness and representation of a culture to which he may or may not actually belong. It’s pretty obvious he’s got some friends who are strippers and club dancers because he always knows the best places to hook up for cheap – not to mention he’s on a first-name basis at the nearest walk-in clinic. He’s on PrEP, though, so at least he’s not completely irresponsible. Getting in bed with him is a raucous and open affair that probably involves at least two other guys (girls if you’re into that too) and some recreational drugs because why the hell not. The most appalling thing about him is either that he somehow manages to hold down a steady, well-paying job – he’s got selfies of his work attire, in which he’s nearly unrecognizable – or that he might be more than a little in love with a close friend whom you’ve only occasionally seen at the bar hopping, but never the orgies.

Strait-laced and professional, he’s almost certainly working his way up some corporate ladder by imitating the demeanor and even the fashion sense of his higher ups. Out of respect for his place of business he doesn’t advertise himself fully on hookup sites; his profile uses a vague pseudonym, a scenery shot (or a pic of his favorite pet, because he’s probably got several), and descriptions that are reasonably long but ultimately not that telling – especially where sex is concerned. Extremely unlikely to fall in bed with anyone immediately, he’s one of those rare guys who will actually offer to take someone out on a date and have it not end horizontally. He’s almost certainly got a friend or two who’s constantly encouraging him to loosen up, and you might even get to meet them sometime around the fourth date. When he finally does commit it’ll either be to someone just as driven as he is or one of the aforementioned heckling friends. If the former they’ll likely end up role playing each other’s bosses at some point and fucking in the office in the middle of the night.

Unfortunately homely men who make up for what they lack in appearances by being entirely too approachable are a dime (gold?) a dozen in the online hookup space, and like so many others this one frequently crosses the line into pathetic. On the rare occasion that he actually convinces someone to meet up with him it’ll be over a cup of coffee or a light lunch that’s pleasant if a little awkward, but he’ll be hoping very strongly that things will progress in the direction of his bedroom soon enough. He’s as inexperienced sexually as he is socially, and possibly as a result of an excessive porn habit he takes forever to cum. He lacks the confidence to really go for anal, but he’s enthusiastic enough to try whatever else floats your boat. He may be a reliable catch from a practical standpoint (even if his self-esteem is too low to brag), but more often than not he finds himself blocked after a single encounter and a few increasingly sad attempts to reestablish a connection afterwards. If he’s lucky one of his partners will remember that he exists when they’re browsing for dick while drunk, and he’ll get his coveted second chance. It won’t be any better, but at least he’ll have had it.

A twink still hopeful enough to be looking for Mr. Right, but not opposed to a little fun on the side in the meantime. Going out with him makes for a more subdued time than his age might suggest, but he’s educated and quirky enough to be interesting all the same. He’s got more than a few family issues, and he has no qualms about sharing them with his dates and encouraging them to open up about their own problems – he’s either a masochist or a profoundly kinky bottom. Or both. Whatever he is he’s the sort of person who attracts lovers similar to himself, and if he could just find that sweet spot of familiarity and sexual compatibility he’d be set for life. The traits he claims to be looking for in his profile are usually at odds with what he ends up getting, but strangely he never seems to mind. Similarly, despite his fetishistic side he actually is looking for emotional intimacy and hopes one day to have a loving family even including his presently estranged relatives. Suffice it to say that his partner will need a high tolerance for drama to have any hope of making that dream a reality.

The top of every masc4masc dudebro’s wet dreams, but he’s surprisingly chill about it. He’ll even invite his decidedly non-masc friend(s) over to the circle jerking sessions and offer them up for a spit roast if everyone’s in the mood. Loves double penetration and all the extra stimulation it provides, and it’s not even a problem that he’ll blow his load even faster than usual since he’ll be right back up and raring to go in no time.

More than one satisfied bottom is in love with him, but he’s a decade or more from feeling ready to settle down yet – possibly as a result of some bad experiences with relatives over his life choices. For all his brashness and glam muscles he’s quite insightful, whether it’s in figuring out the perfect gifts for his friends and partners or in talking them through their own familial hang-ups. A real catch all in all, even if life hasn’t really dealt him the best hand. No one can really say the kinds of guys he’s actually into though since he seems to be into everyone; he’ll be gently breeding a willowy nerd one night and fisting the perfectly-sculpted ass of one of his gym buddies the next.

Happily married with a house in the suburbs, a few pets, and a few surrogate kids, he made a valiant effort at putting his hookup days behind him. His partner knew him better than that though and was in fact the one to encourage him to take an occasional break from quaint domestic fatherhood, possibly around the time it became apparent that he’d hired an up-and-coming twunk at his business in part so that he had a(nother) nice ass to stare at. He and his partner are more than happy to play together of course, but it’s his face and his stats on the profile and there’s a general air of understanding that he’s been given permission to play the field a little longer.

Despite his towering presence both personally and professionally he doesn’t seem to be pulling all the strings in his marriage, a fact for which he is surprisingly grateful. A lowkey Dom who’ll quickly graduate to full-on Master once he develops a taste for it, but only his kids get to call him daddy. He’s clearly off the market in the conventional sense – despite what he’s undoubtedly just done to his latest encounter, he’s very much in love and is unashamed to say so post-coitus – but his situation is a poly-friendly one provided the prospective third is equally comfortable with public family life. 

He’s an old soul in a young(ish) and handsome package, brought into the community by men a generation or more ahead of him. This generally indicates two things: he holds a tremendous amount of respect for older men and has little patience for his vapid and reckless peers (he probably scorns PrEP on principle, and always uses a condom), and he would love nothing better than to be made someone’s bitch. Either because of his good connections or his obvious sense of duty and commitment the type he tends to attract is both hot and a hot mess, so his aspirations of peaceful married bliss – with children even – may be a long time in coming. Although he never discusses it in public and doesn’t mention it anywhere in the online hookup space he’s well-acquainted with the mechanics of bondage, pain play, water sports and whatever else his shockingly dirty mind can come up with. It may not very likely that he’ll one day be spotted at one of the kinkier Pride fests being led down the street on a leash by a man in a leather harness while he’s wearing nothing but a dog mask, a collar, a thong, and a butt plug with a tail…but don’t rule it out just yet.

Once the pleasantries and dick pics are out the way you quickly discover that this beefy pretty boy has a crush – no, an obsession – with some other guy, and you start to wonder why he even answered your greeting at all when most of his messages are either moping over the one that got away (or never noticed him in the first place) and pics of his would-be lover, including those of an explicit nature. The lengthy story of how he got his hands on those is not really worth repeating, but he’ll do it anyway whether or not he’s prompted. If a guy goes against his better judgment and takes him up on the offered hookup he’ll quickly be even more weirded out over all the, er, memorabilia this guy has collected: public photos taken off social media, hair clippings, used condoms…it would not be surprising in the slightest if he’s gotten himself a dildo or fleshlight molded to the shape of his dream guy’s bits. On the plus side all it will take to get him going is a wig and an outfit based on one of the pictures in his collection, and in no time at all he’ll be screaming someone else’s name while you ride him. Yeah…hot or not everyone’s got a limit to how much strangeness they can deal with before taking off, and in the case of his partners it’ll most likely be around or before he starts casually suggesting some cosmetic surgical procedures designed to make them look more like the real love of his life.

Definitely not legal, but he’s got a fake ID to suit every occasion and prides himself in having already snuck into every local den of iniquity. He gets a lot of free drinks and can hold his liquor so well that everyone second-guesses if he’s really underage, but still all but the most wasted bar flies are wary about coming onto him. Online he doesn’t fare much better except among the really inexperienced men who haven’t figured out yet that the apps don’t have a way of enforcing their minimum age rules, but he has his fun where he can. Has already sniffed out and sucked off all the closet cases at his high school, and he’s just itching to move on to the big leagues. In spite of all that minor criminality though he’s really not a bad kid at heart, and given a few years if he can keep out of jail he may just mature into great boyfriend material. He might be a baby-faced twink until he’s pushing forty, but he’ll find a way to work it.

He’s been effectively disowned by what sounds like a generally unhappy family, but that’s not going to stop him from trying to make it out in the wider world. 

Is absolutely not here for any “white only” statements in profiles or stereotypical assumptions about his favorite position or the size of his dick…but on the other hand most of his hookups are with blond guys who look nothing like him. Mild hypocrisy aside he always makes for a fun and interesting date, and in bed he’s flexible in more ways than one though he’s not so good at bottoming as some of his partners might like. May have a thing for twinks, despite some cultural hangups regarding feminine guys he’s still working through. His perfect guy is both open-minded and not willing to give one inch during tense family gatherings.

Alternatively, he may instead wind up with a guy who happens to share his exact preferences, and they’ll take turns fucking each other while one wears a wig and roleplays some helpless young thing. 

Behind the sculpted abs and sparse descriptions of a classic headless profile stands a professional athlete (no, seriously) with the face of a model who’s shockingly not on the DL. That’s not to say he’s the type of man for long walks and quiet candlelit dinners, but he will nevertheless be very open with his partners after he’s done pounding them into the hotel mattress and will never be in a rush to get dressed. He travels often but picks up a FWB or two in every port, some of whom trail after him and inevitably come together in one big naked pile of groupies when the situation presents itself. He’s primed to pick up a trophy husband once he’s old enough to retire, but even so his favorite encounters are the ones who can also keep up with him in the gym or on the field.  Is distantly related to someone even more famous, but there’s no physical resemblance and even he has trouble remembering the exact relationship. With the circles he moves in he may have fucked one or more of his cousins at some point.

His profile would be perpetually set to traveling mode except that that’s usually a paid service and he’s not shelling out for the full version of the app. Sexy and he knows he, but he’s got to get by on his looks when he’s forever drifting from one low-end job and crappy apartment to the next. He has quite a few notches on his bedpost and isn’t shy about admitting it, although he’s left more than a few guys with unwelcome surprises as well. He’s a hard drinker, a casual smoker of various substances, and his pride and joy is either a motorcycle or a muscle car, or possibly both – in other words, he’s the bad boy of everyone’s drunken 2 a.m. fantasy as well as the hungover regret the morning after. Friendly enough to never come across as a total asshole, but don’t pretend that he’ll ever be interested in anything that resembles settling down. He’s pretty much tried it all – even P2P when he was hard up for cash – and while he attracts mostly bottoms (ranging from wide-eyed collegiates to double dildo champions) having a cigar with a leather daddy and then sucking something thicker and sweatier would make his night just the same. He’d have to be extremely drunk and/or high to climb in a sling, but there are probably pics of it somewhere out there.

It only takes thirty seconds of talking to him to figure out that he’s a hipster with rich parents slumming it as a part of some overdone act of rebellion. Hell, you might even be able to pick that up from his profile, whether it’s from the faux-secondhand clothes or the proudly-displayed tattoo(s) or the pronouncement that he’s 420 friendly and wants to, apparently without irony, “X and chill.” If you can make it past the stench of BO and trying too hard however he’s actually a pretty insightful guy, and you’ll find that his social justice proclamations and pushes toward activism are sincere and not merely the guilty conscience of a trust fund baby. Loves to top from the bottom, and will gleefully edge a guy for hours to make him beg for release. Huge tease that he is, he might even be into chastity and CBT. Practically speaking he may just be the hottest ticket in town, and he has the sense of duty to stop shirking his responsibilities once he’s had his fill of common life. When he does finally return home though it’s extremely unlikely that he’ll be bringing anyone back with him unless he still wants to piss off the parents, so try not to expect anything that’s both long term and drama-free. 

Yes, yes, his hair is full of secrets – moving on. The good father isn’t on any apps – he may have experimented with them in his younger and wilder seminary days, but he has an image to maintain now – but he still finds himself being tempted. Most of the guys who find their way to him are troubled souls looking for guidance and also dick, but he’s most likely to form a real connection with someone who understands and respects his sense of piety and isn’t out to abuse his charity. Is well-accustomed to taking care of his own needs (thankfully Naga sees no sin in self-love), and as such he knows better what he likes to watch and fantasize over than how to actually perform the acts themselves. Would be a steadfast and loyal husband were it not for the religious baggage as well as a certain degree of fatalism. Would never, ever agree to any kind of clerical kink. Probably. Maybe if it were mutual….